Who the Heck is Naruto?
by Lucillia
Summary: Senju Hashirama, Konoha's first Hokage, has a village to run. If people would just get out of his way and let him that is. And, who the heck is this Uzumaki Naruto character they keep mentioning anyway?
1. Chapter 1

Senju Hashirama scowled as he scribbled his name onto yet another form and stamped it. The absolute worst thing about being the leader of a ninja village wasn't sending men and women to their deaths like he'd been doing since he'd become head of the Senju clan or mediating between the Uchiha and the Hyuuga or the Uchiha and the Nara and the Uchiha and...Just about everybody else, come to think of it. The absolute worst thing about being the leader of a ninja village was the paperwork.

The Daimyo needed updating. Expenses needed tracking. Village resources needed tallying. Mission payments needed dispersing. Mission reports needed checking. While there was an administrative staff that did most of the work, it all needed to be reviewed and signed off on by the Hokage before it was either filed in an appropriate archive or carted to the Daimyo who also had masses of paperwork to deal with himself in a secure and highly guarded shipment.

He didn't know how, but it looked like the paperwork had been breeding since he'd gone off to...wherever it was he had been. He didn't recall there being even half this much paperwork on his busiest days.

Picking up a report on an outpost on the border of Wind country, he quickly scanned it, looking for any potentially worrying anomalies that would necessitate sending a team to investigate. Seeing none, he scrawled his signature on the form, grabbed his stamp, dropped it in ink, firmly stamped the report and set it aside with the rest of the completed paperwork.

As Hashirama worked through the massive pile of paperwork on his desk, the sky began to lighten and the sun began to rise. As the sun rose, an old man entered his office completely unannounced, completely bypassing seals on his office door that were meant to prevent such. An old man in familiar looking robes who was irritatedly puffing on a pipe.

"Naruto," the old man said, sounding like a parent who'd caught an unruly child with their hands in the candy dish. "Exactly what do you think you're doing to my paperwork?"


	2. In Which There Is Gratuitous Japanese

Hashirama frowned. What was he doing at the Academy? Oh, yes. Inspection. He periodically had to do those to make sure that everything was running smoothly and that the Instructors weren't taking advantage of their positions by making the students do unpaid D-Rank missions and calling them "Training Exercises", stealing bread out of the mouths of the Genin who needed the money.

The Academy was looking more worn than he remembered it being, more run-down than it should be for a building that was less than a decade old.

He would be having a serious talk with the builders.

Silently ghosting through the halls, he could see several classes being run by competent looking instructors which were attended by bored looking children who were, above all, safe and off the battlefield.

Hearing a noise coming from a hallway leading from an extension he didn't recall seeing during his previous inspections or on the building plans for the Academy for that matter, he went to investigate.

There was a child who looked to be approaching Academy Graduation age scrawling something one one of the walls.

"Don't laugh like a hyena at the child writing rude words on the wall. Don't laugh like a hyena at the child writing rude words on the wall." Hashirama told himself, reminding himself that he had to be the Responsible Hokage even and most especially around small children despite his desires to laugh at their innocent antics. "Remember, head up, back straight, project Authority, and don't laugh, or Tobirama will have your head."

"What are you doing?" Hashirama asked the girl he snuck up behind in an athoritative tone that had frightened even enemy Jounin into submission. His voice didn't sound right for some reason. Maybe he was sick. He didn't feel sick. But, he hadn't sounded right.

"I- I- I" the girl he'd caught said, looking like she was panicking. Then, one wild movement that looked like an attempt to flee whirled her around to face him, and she looked angry rather than fearful and respectful for some strange reason.

Wondering if he'd done something to one of her relatives prior to the founding of the village, Hashirama pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. Since it didn't look all that important, he flipped the paper over and wrote out what the girl was _trying_ to write when he caught her: 水樹の母が売春婦です。

"These are the Kanji for the name Mizuki, and these are the Kanji for 'whore'. Write them out a hundred times each so you don't forget them again." Hashirama said as he pointed to the indicated kanji before he thrust the paper at the girl who took it like it were a live snake or a rabid animal.

It was at this point that someone rounded the corner trying and completely failing to be stealthy. Turning to face the source of the noise, he found a blue haired man who had to be nearly three meters tall to be able to do so scowling down at him. The girl who had been next to him at that point turned and fled.

Hashirama felt an almost alien urge to put this man in his place. Straightening up to his most athoritative stance, he glared up at the man.

"You!" he yelled up at him. "Are you an Instructor at this school?"

The man gave him a look that indicated that the answer to that question should be patently obvious, and that he was a complete idiot for asking.

Right then. Time to cut this man down to size.

"I have no idea what you're teaching here, but it sure as hell isn't reading and writing. All Senju are able to correctly write the word 'whore' by the age of eight, and the girl I found trying and failing to write it had to be at least ten!" Hashirama started in on the man.

"Not only that, but your appearance is entirely slovely. Your shirt's untucked and your trousers look like you slept in them before rolling out to work in them, and your eyes...My god man! Are you hung over?! Did you seriously come to here to teach IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN who depend on you for their FUTURE SURVIVAL with a HANGOVER?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SETTING AN EXAMPLE FOR THESE CHILDREN! WHAT SORT OF EXAMPLE DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK YOU'RE SETTING BY TURNING UP LOOKING LIKE YOU WERE PARTYING THE NIGHT BEFORE?! THAT HAD BETTER NOT BE PERFUME I- urk!"

"NARUTO! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING SCREAMING AT MIZUKI LIKE THAT, WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN CLASS!" the too tall individual who had grabbed Hashirama's collar and dragged him backwards yelled at him.

"And...IS THAT MY ATTENDANCE SHEET?!"


End file.
